September is NICU Awareness Month. We are honored to have Stevee Martin, co-owner of Fit4Mom Charleston, telling her story about her NICU experience.
“I don’t think there’s anything that can prepare you for the rollercoaster that is the NICU.
It never crossed my mind during either of my pregnancies. I certainly never read any “How To” guides when it came to navigating preterm labor and being separated almost instantly from your baby after he took his first breath.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I was 30 weeks pregnant with my second baby when I went into unexpected preterm labor. The doctors continuously referred to 32 weeks as the magic number. I needed to get there. 31 weeks would be okay, but if we could just make it to 32 weeks, they would feel even more confident and positive about our baby’s chances with no lasting medical effects. We spent days in the hospital trying to stop the inevitable. I was 31 weeks and 3 days when I met my Graham.
Hearing his cries as soon as he was born was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. They held him up so I could see his sweet face and just as quickly as I looked, they whisked him away. Everything about it was unnatural. One of the first things a child should experience is his mother’s touch, right? There were at least a dozen medical professionals in the room from start to finish. In an instant, they were all gone. There was no one else left but me, my doctor, the nurse and a room drowning in deafening silence. Graham’s absence was overwhelming, and I just laid there unable to do anything about it.
I touched my baby for the first time through a peephole hours later. Seeing his tiny wire tangled body in the incubator was surreal. There are so many thoughts that run through your mind when you see your baby like that. Did I do something to cause this? Will he be okay? How do we do this? I didn’t hold him until the next day.
There are guidelines when it comes to NICU babies. We were only able to hold him at certain times and for no less than an hour and a half and no more than two hours at a time. NICU/preterm babies tire out and become agitated easily so timing is key. Less than 24 hours prior, I was his home. I carried him with me every single day. Now not only did I need permission to hold him, but a nurse had to untangle him from his wires just to place him on me. You’ll never understand what it means to pick up your own baby whenever you want until you can’t. It’s such a helpless feeling. I’d never held something so small. He felt so incredibly fragile, yet I was the one shattering into pieces under him. There was a moment when I first held him where he looked up at me and gave the quickest, sweetest open mouth smile. He still smiles at me that exact same way today. It’s like he knew what I needed, and I finally felt like we were going to be okay.
There is nothing normal about leaving the hospital without your baby.
I remember saying goodbye to him after being discharged. That’s when the tears wouldn’t stop. I tried to hide them and wipe them away quickly as the nurse came in, but she already knew. She told me that they would take good care of him while I take care of myself. The last thing I felt like doing was taking care of myself. I’ve felt heartache before but not like that.
The next 40 days were spent traveling to and from the NICU. I felt so complete every time I saw him. It’s like I could finally breathe after being underwater for hours. I felt so completely empty on my drive home. Day after day I had to peel my crying three year old off of me as I prepared to leave for the hospital. He was terrified that every time I walked out the front door, I wouldn’t come back. He couldn’t process his new baby brother being somewhere else. He needed me. Some days I just held him, and we both cried before I got in my car to be with his brother. How can you be in two places at once when both of your children need you? The guilt is unimaginable. I spent most of my mornings skin-to-skin with Graham. They tell you how important it is for their healing to be skin-to-skin with you, but they don’t always mention how healing it is for you. I snuggled his little body for hours at a time and talked about anything and everything under the sun. I eventually relaxed every time his monitors started frantically beeping. It typically meant nothing, but you still hold your breath every time. Even though they were some of the most tiring and emotional days, I’ll always cherish the time when it was just Graham and I. There were no distractions from the outside world. It was just us. We formed a bond that I could have never imagined.
Everything is up and down in the NICU.
Some days you make incredible progress, and you can see a glimmer of light at the end of a very long tunnel. Usually the next day is full of steps in the opposite direction. It truly is the nature of the beast there. The good days were really good. Seeing your baby in an open air crib and being able to pick them up by yourself for the first time is a feeling like no other. Coming into the NICU expecting to see your baby without a feeding tube but finding out he took steps back on his bottle feeding are some of the not so good days. The lowest low was spending his first Thanksgiving and Christmas apart besides the few hours we sat with him to celebrate in our own way. The holidays weren’t the same, and I found myself sneaking to my bathroom to sob behind a closed door over and over again.
Thankfully our NICU stay was relatively easy as far as Graham’s health. I know it’s not the same for everyone. I heard the cries of so many mamas during our time there. Most had been there longer than us, and they were exhausted, frustrated, sad. I still think about them sometimes, because even though we didn’t actually spend time together, we’re connected as NICU parents. We heard each other through our curtain walls every day. We heard the tears, the joy, the frustrations, and we silently rooted for the tiny babies in their cribs even though we hadn’t met.
You’ll never forget the call.
I was on a walk with my family when Graham’s doctor called to tell me we needed to bring the car seat into the NICU the next day. That’s when you know. Your baby is coming home where he belongs. After 40 long days, we brought our Graham home, and we finally felt like the family that we had longed to be for so long. I still look at him every day and can’t believe how far he has come. My once tiny three pound baby is a thriving, feisty nine month old who reminds me daily how strong we both are together.
“If I had to give a new NICU parent advice on how to navigate life in the NICU, I would tell them that there is no wrong or right way to do it.”
September is NICU Awareness Month, and I want to take a moment to not only recognize and celebrate our strong NICU babies and angels, but to also celebrate all of the NICU parents. It doesn’t matter if you had a NICU baby for months, days, or hours. The most unnatural thing that could happen to a parent, especially a mother, is to be separated from their baby during the very first moments of their little lives. If I had to give a new NICU parent advice on how to navigate life in the NICU, I would tell them that there is no wrong or right way to do it. You can spend hours holding your baby. You can spend hours at home resting. You can stay at the hospital night after night. You can go home to your other children and to your warm bed. You can cry as much as you need to. You can be as strong as you need to. No matter how you choose to navigate your journey, your baby knows you and they love you. As soon as you wrap your tiny baby in your arms, they are home. No matter the hours spent apart or the distance between you, you are their home. Don’t ever forget that, Mama.”