As I watched my boys slowly wake up this morning, I was grateful for all that they have become. And all that I have become.
Exactly 4 years ago, I was struggling to stay alive.
At the time, I had a 3 year old and a 9 month old.
My husband was working two jobs.
I was trying to raise my 10 year old sister.
I had too much going on, and my mind couldn’t keep up.
As I reread my journal now, I realized that I had blocked out so much of what happened in those dark postpartum days. I wasn’t myself.
I was always on edge. I yelled at my innocent 3 year old. A lot. I fought with my husband over nothing. And I beat myself up for all of this.
I didn’t understand why I was depressed after my second son. Yes, I struggled with depression after my first son was born, but I thought I had it under control this time. I thought I knew what to do.
But after being diagnosed with Bipolar 2, I was so lost. I felt so alone and, honestly, terrified.
I knew that I needed help. I wasn’t taking care of myself or my family. And I was having some scary thoughts.
“What if i just don’t come back from picking up Eli? Or what if I just drink way too much? I even got dressed up and put makeup on and did my hair thinking, if today is my last day, at least I want to look pretty.”
I even clearly remember that reoccurring thought I had about crashing my car.
As I read these journal entries now, I realize just how much I was barely hanging on.
I want everyone who reads this to understand that getting well, for me, was scary and it didn’t happen overnight.
I went through 6 months of medication changes with my amazing psychiatrist. I did countless hours of therapy. And I found Postpartum Support Charleston.
This organization gave me a grant to see my psychiatrist, and offered the peer support that I desperately needed. My moms friends at the time truly held me up when all I wanted to do was crumble. And my family listened to my every cry and loved me through it all.
So today, I want everyone to know that I’m alive.
Alive with the joy that my boys are thriving and happy.
Alive with the love that I share with my friends and family.
And alive with the passion in my heart to help other moms like myself.
To all of the mamas out there who aren’t feeling like yourself, I recommend that you write down how you feel. Get it out of your mind. Go back to it years from now and be amazed at what you overcame. Because you will overcome it, and we are here to help you.
It’s the biggest giving day of the year! Can we count on your support? On this GivingTuesday, we’re asking you to help us reach $10,000. The funds raised today will go toward our Beyond Delivery program helping mothers in the Charleston area with a free meal, infant care package and support.