I’m writing this with tears streaming down my face. I’m writing this feeling weak, defeated, guilty and really angry.
Angry that we are all going through all of this. Guilty because I’m not providing the best level of education and stimulation for my children. Guilty for not loving life right now. Defeated because I am in an emotional spot that I hate – sad, lonely, useless.
And weak. So weak. I’m tired from constantly trying to be the best and provide the best. Cook the best dinner for my family. Think of the best art project to do at home. Execute the coolest science experiment from the 2 tablespoons of baking soda I have in my cabinet. Weak because I’m trying to keep a house semi-clean while also trying to live in it with two children, two cats and a dog.
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““I don’t want to be here.” It scared me. I immediately ran to my bed and cried. Ugly cried. I needed to.”
This is hard. No, hard doesn’t even come close to it. Social distancing is not what humans were made to do. We were made to get together and celebrate life. Work together, sing together, eat together, play together. So, this is beyond hard. It’s excruciating.
I’ve been working with Postpartum Support of Charleston for a while, helping moms when they are struggling. I have encouraged countless mothers to “embrace your emotions” and “stay strong”, while also letting them know that this phase of life will pass. Why am I having such a hard time taking that advice myself?
Because THIS IS HARD for everyone. No one can tell me right now that they are thriving.
Anxiety and depression are running back to me, and it reminds me of my postpartum days. I was looking out of my window yesterday, and that horrible feeling came over me. The same feeling I felt when I was in the depths of depression after I had my boys.
“I don’t want to be here.” It scared me. I immediately ran to my bed and cried. Ugly cried. I needed to.
Those days of depression when I felt like it would never end are here again. I feel lost and overwhelmed. Just like a new mom is trying to learn their baby, I am trying to learn how to navigate this social distancing life.
So during these days, when I’m trying my best to be strong, I’m going to give myself some room to feel. I’m going to give myself some space to feel angry and sad and weak. Pushing those feelings away isn’t going to make them go away, it’s just going to make them come out stronger when they do. And I want my children to see that I need a break every day instead of seeing me angry and raging.
So as I continue to take my medication, and I continue to practice the self-care that I know so well, and I continue to lean on my friends for support, I remind you all to do the same. Remember to love yourself while we are all focused on everyone else in our family. Check in with yourself, and know that you aren’t alone in feeling all of these emotions.
We are all here. We are all struggling, and that’s okay right now.