Tell me if you are familiar with this situation:
You had a baby about 6 months ago. You’ve been running yourself into the ground, doing the same things day in and day out. Feeding, cleaning, napping, feeding, cleaning, napping. On repeat for what feels like forever. Then one day, you realize that you don’t even know who you are outside of being a mom. You’ve lost the woman you used to be.
This is so common in so many moms. We get all consumed with the hustle and bustle of motherhood that we don’t even recognize ourselves anymore.
Which is why I’m here to help guide you to finding yourself again after having a baby.
Why do I need to find myself? I love being a mom!
Yes, and so do I. But when we don’t carve out time to focus on ourselves, we can get lost. We are humans, we are individuals, and we matter. Finding yourself again is form of self-compassion, and we all need to practice this a little more. Loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves is key to our mental health. You know, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
5 Strategies to Find Yourself Again
1. Schedule Time for Yourself
I always tell people, if it isn’t on my calendar, it’s not going to happen. And it’s true – if you don’t plan ahead for things, they may not happen. Scheduling some time for you to focus on yourself is crucial – whether you put it on your family calender so your partner can see it, or you put a reminder in your phone, you’ve gotta set aside some time.
This can be difficult if we don’t have much help with baby, so maybe doing this during naptime would work, too!
As I spoke with Annika Harold, LISW, this past weekend in Matters of Motherhood Sunday Chat, she mentioned that she and her husband do PTO (Parent Time Off) – what a genius idea! This allows both her and her husband to have nights where they don’t have to be on duty as a parent and can focus on themselves.
However you go about it, schedule time for you to focus on finding yourself. Know that this is just as important as any other chore in the house because YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS.
2. Work on your Values
Values are like your building blocks. Who you are, deep down, is made of up your values – the things that you find most important in life. Most people have never taken the time to figure out their values, and that’s okay. But this can be a really helpful tool when we are finding ourselves again after being a new mom.
Check out this values card sort – it’s a virtual tool that helps you go through different values and narrow down the ones that are most important to you. I like to go down to 5 values to work with – I even write them down on a little card and think of activities that I can do to help lead me towards those values.
For example, if you value helping others, maybe finding an organization to volunteer with would be fulfilling. If you value friendships, maybe try setting up a lunch date with some friend to reconnect. See where this is going?
3. Try new things
After doing your values exercise, you may be surprised at some of the things that come up for you. You may not have realized that you value spirituality as your top 5, and this may lead you to realize that focusing on your spiritual practice may be very fulfilling for you.
Also, as new moms, we are new people. We have new needs, new priorities, and our values may have changed. We may not be able to sit and read a book like we used to, or lay on the beach for hours – but maybe we can tweak the things we used to do to make them work for us now. Maybe an audiobook while we walk on the beach is a better idea.
Try looking online for new hobbies to do – you never know what might pop up that you might be interested in!
4. Leave the guilt at the door
We are all going to have guilt about taking time for ourselves. It’s not easy to leave the kids and to-do list at the door. But remind yourself, this is just as important. You are important.
Take a deep breath and say to yourself, “I am feeling guilty, but I am allowed to take time for myself. My child is safe and the chores can wait while I take this time for me.”
You’ve got this mama. Remember, putting this time on your schedule can also help with guilt – you can prepare things in advance and give yourself a little “pep” talk to know that you are worthy of this time!
5. Take note of how you feel
Notice how you feel during and after this time to yourself. Do you feel stressed out, anxious about baby, lost in what to do? Welcome all of those feelings and be curious about them!
I encourage you to keep a journal of how you are feeling – what activities bring you the most joy? Which ones feel a little depleting and might need to wait until your baby is a little older?
If you are really having a tough time being able to find yourself, please reach out for support. You may benefit from a little extra care with a therapist, and there’s no shame in that game!
Remember, you matter, mama. We are here to help support you through this journey!