I have a bold statement to make.
After you have a baby, your relationship with your partner changes.
It’s the truth. You are bringing this new little nugget of life into your home, you are moving into motherhood and transitioning into that role (which comes with tons of change) and therefore, you’re relationship with your significant other is going to change. A lot.
And it’s not always easy. In fact, I believe that most couples struggle after they bring a new baby home – it’s normal!
This blog is full of information and topics about relationships – take what you need from this article and know that there is still so much to go into depth about in each of these topics. Be sure to reach out if you need some support – we are here for you!
Why are we struggling so much in our relationship?
This is a loaded question, right? It could be many things that you both are struggling with and there might be some external things happening in your lives that are contributing to this, like work and other family problems.
But for the most part, the thing I find that most moms struggle with is communication.
I know, you’ve heard it already, communication is key.
Communication is absolutely necessary in a relationship, patricularly in the postpartum period. Learning to communicate your needs to your partner is crucial.
Also, learning how to communicate with yourself is key too. Before you can ask your partner for help, you have to know what you yourself actually need! Do you need a break from baby or do you need to dishes to be cleaned?
On our most recent Matters of Motherhood Sunday Chat, I spoke with the wonderful Jessie Evans, LPC, CHC, local maternal mental health therapist and owner of Steadfast Counseling about this topic.
Jessie had a wonderful acronym for us that might just help the way we view communication and our relationship.
It goes like this: C.A.R.E.
C: Communicate Assertively
This means letting your partner know how you are feeling and what they can do to help. This can look like, “I’m feeling very tired, could you hold the baby for an hour while I sleep.” Think about what you need and if that seems too difficult (which, no judgement, it might!) then just let your partner know you need help.
A: Ask for Help
Similar to communicating assertively, we have to ASK for what we need help with. We can’t assume that our partner knows what we want or need, so asking for what we need can help us advocate for ourselves. Delegating tasks can seem daunting, but even if you can pinpoint one thing to ask for, you might move closer towards getting your needs met.
R: Respect Each Other’s Needs
Validatee each other. Get on the same playing field. Maybe your partner is having a tough time as a new parent as well. Maybe you partner isn’t getting their needs met. Being able to stop and respect what your partner is going through can be powerful.
E: Evaluate regularly
Come back to your relationship frequently. Something you were doing last week might not be working this week. Be flexible with yourselves and your partners to know that things can change in a routine if they aren’t working.
**This is easier said than done. Putting this acronym into practice may not work for you and your partner, and that’s okay. Take it with a grain of salt and know that if communication just isn’t working right now, you can always come back at a later time when tensions have settled.**
I miss our old relationship.
I know, you are missing your old life and this definitely includes your relationship with your partner. It’s okay to grieve this – lean into that grief, talk about it with your partner and let them know that you are ready to move forward and see where this new stage in life will take you both.
That being said, I think it’s also important to point out that dads can struggle too. If your partner is having a tough time and you think they could use some support, reach out to a local therapist or find more resources on Postpartum Support International’s website.
So tell me, mama, what other things pop up for you and your partner now that baby is in the mix?