So, I’m sure you have heard the new song by Taylor Swift, Anti Hero. If you haven’t, that’s ok, read this article then go listen. It gave me the inspiration to write this.
The song is her reflection of herself. She describes it as “all the things she hates about herself”; which is exactly the opposite of what we are focusing on this month. But, I find that in order to really love ourselves, it’s important to know what we don’t like about ourselves so that we can truly love ourselves in our totality.
Loving Ourselves in Motherhood
It’s easy to love the “good” things about us.
But, do we love ourselves when we yell at the kids? When we are frustrated with our partners? When we don’t answer our mother’s phone calls? When we ignore what is best for us and do what we probably shouldn’t?
How can we love ourselves in these moments?
The real question lies in “can we show ourselves compassion for our shortcomings?”
Compassion is a practice, similar to yoga, where we can practice love and kindness. Love doesn’t come naturally and it is so much more than a feeling.
Love is hard, but not impossible. It is work, but it is worth it.
I see love like I see my grief. There are days in my grief when I can feel both sadness and joy. It is the strangest feeling but I do believe we can show love to ourselves even when we don’t like ourselves. It’s contradicting and messy, but so are diapers and we all manage those!
Becoming a mom is difficult. There are so many changes – so much to adjust to. Nothing seems the same. It can be scary and definitely overwhelming because of all the hormones, lack of sleep, pelvic floor/prolapse, changes in body appearance, hair loss with little to no motivation to do anything about it. It is difficult to love ourselves when we feel like we are falling a part. But broken crayons still color.
How can we show ourselves compassion?
As we adjust to all the changes within our minds and bodies, let us show compassion and practice kindness to ourselves.
What does this look like? I’m glad you asked.
For me, it all starts in my mind. My thoughts can be my worst enemy. It is one of the things I have had to learn to love about myself. We have so many thoughts in a day, that doesn’t even include the mental load mothers carry. So, the way I practice compassion is by not berating myself when I have an unhelpful, unkind or negative thought.
Here’s the scenario: I start my day by hitting snooze so many times that I’m behind on my day already. My first thoughts are ugh this sucks I’m so tired. I wish I could get more sleep. I start to feel frustrated with myself and my feet haven’t even hit the floor. Feeling the frustration is SO important because who wants to wake up frustrated? I certainly don’t, so my next thought is I have a choice. This is my opportunity to practice compassion. I validate myself by saying I must have really needed that extra sleep. It’s ok that I’ll be a little behind today. Sometimes people have days like this. I’m no different. I take a deep breath seeking to really believe what I just told myself and move on.
So to recap – first know what the first thoughts are. Are you impatient? Do you like things a certain way? Are you easily frustrated? Meet yourself where you are; then consciously choose the second thought. Tell yourself it’s time to practice compassion. Validate how you are feeling in a kind way and generalize the action/emotion with the thought that other moms go through what you are going through. Take a deep breath and if you need extra support, reach out!
We all have our stuff that seems to make us unloveable but you are worthy of love even if you don’t feel it. Love is more than a feeling.
You have a choice. Practice compassion and learn to love all of you.