I have a bold statement to make.
After you have a baby, your relationship with your partner changes.
It’s the truth. You are bringing this new little nugget of life into your home, you are moving into motherhood and transitioning into that role (which comes with tons of change) and therefore, you’re relationship with your significant other is going to change. A lot.
And it’s not always easy. In fact, I believe that most couples struggle after they bring a new baby home – it’s normal!
This blog is full of information and topics about relationships – take what you need from this article and know that there is still so much to go into depth about in each of these topics. Be sure to reach out if you need some support – we are here for you!
Why are we struggling so much in our relationship?
This is a loaded question, right? It could be many things that you both are struggling with and there might be some external things happening in your lives that are contributing to this, like work and other family problems.
But for the most part, the thing I find that most moms struggle with is communication.
I know, you’ve heard it already, communication is key.
Communication is absolutely necessary in a relationship, patricularly in the postpartum period. Learning to communicate your needs to your partner is crucial.
Also, learning how to communicate with yourself is key too. Before you can ask your partner for help, you have to know what you yourself actually need! Do you need a break from baby or do you need to dishes to be cleaned?
There are two kinds of communication: transactional and focused time.
- Transactional communication sounds like “Can you bring me some water?” or “Can you switch out the laundry?” These are the necessary tasks that you need your partner to help with, but engaging in this transactional communication day in and day out can feel so exhausting.
Sound familiar? “Why doesn’t my partner just know what to help with?” “Why does he keep asking me what he can do to help instead of just looking around the room?”
- Focused time is when you and your partner sit down (maybe once a day or once a week) for a short period of time and FOCUS on the relationship. Talk to one another about the things that you can delegate to your partner indefinitely – maybe this looks like doing the dishes every night after dinner or making sure your water bottle is always full.
This focused time will not only help you communicate what you need to your partner, but will also allow for some bonding time between the two of you.
Speaking about bonding: Do we have to go on date nights to make things work?
Short answer: nope.
While date nights can be so important and lovely, you don’t have to stress that your relationship will fail if you don’t have 2 hours alone at a fancy restaurant every Friday.
Finding time during your daily routine to connect is what it’s all about. Maybe it’s a sweet text to one another that you’re thinking of each other, or a quick but focused hug as your partner walks out the door. Find these little glimmers of love to keep things going.
Can we talk about s*x?
So many couples get the green light from their gynecologist at 6 weeks postpartum and think they are going to be ready to go in the sack.
Wrong.
Sex after having a baby is going to be different. You might not be confident in your body, you might be more sensitive than before, you might just not have the energy to even think about sex. Or you may be so ready to be intimate with your partner but they aren’t quite there yet.
And that’s okay.
I highly recommend the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski – this book has some amazing and thought-provoking tips and facts about sex that really is helpful.
Take things slow. If hugging for 1 minute is all you have in you right now, commincate that to your partner, let them know that you care for them and love them but that you’re mom-drive is in overdrive right now.
I miss our old relationship.
I know, you are missing your old life and this definitely includes your relationship with your partner. It’s okay to grieve this – lean into that grief, talk about it with your partner and let them know that you are ready to move forward and see where this new stage in life will take you both.
That being said, I think it’s also important to point out that dads can struggle too. If your partner is having a tough time and you think they could use some support, reach out to a local therapist or find more resources on Postpartum Support International’s website.
So tell me, mama, what other things pop up for you and your partner now that baby is in the mix?
Thank you to Annika Harold, LCSW for chatting with us on our Matters of Motherhood Sunday Chat in our private Facebook group about this topic.