Have you ever heard of positive psychology?
No, not “good vibes only” or “be thankful for what you have and don’t complain.” Positive psychology is a way of thinking about what contibutes to a person’s wellbeing – whether it’s strengths, quality of life, resilience, or anything that adds to someone’s life instead of focusing on what is going wrong.
I think positive psychology can be helpful for new moms in several ways. If we focus on the negative aspects of life – the anxiety, the depression, the panic attacks, the PTSD – and we try to push these away with all of our might, we won’t win.
However, if we focus on the positive aspects like engaging in our favorite activities, nurturing our mind, and taking care of our self, we might be better equipped to handle the negative aspects.
I know this can be hard to wrap your head around (it was for me!), so I’m going to give you an example. (Feel free to skip this section if you get the gist of positive psychology)
Meet Anna.
She’s a new mom with a 3 month old baby. She is suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. She can’t seem to get things done around the house because she exhausted, mentally and physically. She worries all day about the safety of the baby and has intrusive thoughts constanstly. She is barely keeping her head above water.
Her initial focus is on stopping the intrusive thoughts, getting rid of the anxiety, and pushing away the cloud of depression that looms over her every day.
BUT, she just can’t seem to fight it off.
So, let’s take a positive psychology look at Anna.
Anna used to be a teacher. She loved to learn and read. She also loved to spend time with her friends at book club and going on walks to bird-watch.
Positive psychology would encourage Anna to do the things that bring meaning into her life. Now, I’m not saying being a mom has no meaning, but it can be unfilling at times. And finding ourselves again in motherhood can be freeing.
Over time, Anna starts to take care of herself, focusing on the chores at home that she’s good at (taking small steps, starting with wiping down the counters, then adding the dishes, etc). She delegates the tasks that she finds difficult. She spends time each day focusing on herself through self-compassion and mindfulness. She creates a values board to know what she really wants from her life at this time and follows through with activities that bring meaning to her life. She rejoins book club, starts attending her local walking group, and downloads a bird-watching app.
Bringing all of these positive things back into Anna’s life helps her work through her depression and anxiety better. She has the strength to see past her mental health concerns and focus on the positive aspects of her life.
5 Tips to Boost Your Mental Health (from a therapist)
During our Matters of Motherhood Sunday Chat on Facebook, Christen Reed, LMFT, and I talked about 5 ways a new mom can boost her mental health. These are the basics, mama. If you can implement any of these into your day, you are winning and you are one step closer to feeling better.
1. Caring for YOURSELF
You spend all day caring for your baby and others. Are you taking the time to care for yourself?
I hesitate using the term self-care, because that can mean so many different things for different people. What I want you take away from this is caring for yourself, mothering yourself, and loving yourself.
Think physical, mental and social.
Physical: Take time to move your body, wash your body, aid your body with healthy food, and heal your body.
Mental: Follow some of the tips below and remember that your mental health matters. Book a therapy appointment, journal, make decisions that will aid your mental health.
Social: Talk to another adult every day. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a support group or your best friend on facetime. Connect with someone each and every day and lean on those you can trust when you are struggling.
2. Be Present
Again, I hesitate using the term that we all know here (mindfulness) because it can seem impossible for some moms to be mindful when their mind is literally full.
So instead, let’s focus on being present. Take some time to notice your surroundings each day. Set a timer for 1 minute or more and really focus on your breathing and your surroundings. Notice your 5 senses, feel the earth under your feet, and focus on your exhale.
While this may not seem like a big deal, it gives your nervous system a break. When we are operating at 100% all day long, our body and mind needs time to come back down. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system can give your mind a second to recharge.
3. Acceptance and Self-Compassion
If you’ve read any of my blog posts, you know how much I talk about self-compassion.
Acceptance and self-compassion go hand in hand. If you can accept, you can love. Accept yourself for who you are at this exact moment. Whether you are in bed, debilitated from depression, or on the verge of a nervous breakdown from your anxiety, accepting that these are just emotions and feelings can help you ride the feelings until they subside. (Easier said than done, but give it a try).
Accept yourself for who you are and don’t try to change yourself. Here is where the self-compassion comes in. LOVE yourself for who you are, for the experiences you have gone through, and for the life that you live. That doesn’t mean that growth and change isn’t something you should strive for, but loving yourself in this moment can really change the way our mind feels.
4. Find what matters
When we become mothers, our values in life can change. Maybe we really valued recognition before we had our baby, but now that doesn’t seem so important anymore. I strongly suggest you take 5-10 minutes and rediscover your values as a mom. With these values, you can bring meaning and positive activities back into your life.
I even like writing my values down on a card and putting them on my mirror. I can be reminded every day of what my values are and live my life towards those values.
5. You don’t have to do it alone
This one will look different for everyone. Some of you might have family and friends nearby who can help and others might have just moved here and feel completely isolated.
But you don’t have to do it alone. If you have the means, find ways to delegate tasks – this can look like hiring a house cleaner, childcare, lawn worker, laundry service, etc.
And even if you don’t have the means to delegate tasks to paid workers, there are ways to find support. Our group offers support groups where you can come and take care of yourself for an hour or two. There are other mom groups in Charleston who do the same.
Please, don’t do it alone. You are in a city with lots to offer and bringing this social connection and support into your life is a positive thing and will help your mental wellbeing.
Find the positive things in your life and focus on those, mama. You can do this. I know it’s hard, impossible at times, but we are here to help support you.