BEING A MOM IS A UNIQUE EXPERIENCE THAT IS NEAR IMPOSSIBLE TO EXPLAIN. ADDING ON MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS CAN MAKE IT EVEN MORE COMPLICATED TO UNDERSTAND.
I remember when I was struggling after my first son, one of the most frustrating parts about the situation was that my husband didn’t understand.
And how could he?
He wasn’t the mom. He wasn’t the one who made all of the decisions, went through pregnancy and delivery, breastfed the baby, picked out the outfits. All of that was MY load to carry.
And not to mention, I was struggling with depression. I had never had any mental health problems prior to my postpartum depression, so my husband and I had never had to talk about our mental health before. I didn’t even know where to begin, especially because I wasn’t even sure what I was going through.
BUT WHY DID HE NOT UNDERSTAND? WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT FOR A PARTNER TO TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A MOM?
- Maybe it’s the load that we carry as a mother that makes it so difficult. We feel the pressure to be the nurturer, the problem solver, the giver of all of our energy. It’s the fact that maybe we make all of the doctor’s appointments and orchestrate all of the plans for the family. This pressure is something that maybe our partner doesn’t carry.
- Or maybe it’s the guilt that a mom feels that our partners just don’t get. The guilt of not being a “good enough” mother or partner, or the guilt of not being able to breastfeed, or the guilt of not having our planned birth go the way we wanted. Possibly there’s guilt about not spending enough time with our older children when we have to focus on our newborns. Maybe it’s the guilt of feeling jealous that our partners aren’t tied down to a newborn and their work life isn’t changed at all.
- Or maybe it’s the fact that our partners have never experienced a mental health concern. Maybe they don’t know what it’s like to be depressed – that feeling where you are exhausted, drained, sad, frustrated, and have no will to go on. Maybe your partner has never experienced debilitating anxiety that controls their mind every moment of the day, sending them into panic attacks. Maybe your partner has never even known anyone who is mentally unwell and they have no idea how to begin to take care of you.
- Or maybe our partners are so set on FIXING us that they miss the chance to just sit with us and support us. Maybe they are trying their best to make us better when all we need at that moment is a hug and a snack. Maybe, just maybe, they want to understand but they love us so much that they would do anything to see the pain go away.
- Maybe our partner is unsupportive. Maybe they don’t “believe” in mental health struggles and simply want you to “get over it”. Maybe they don’t support you in seeing a therapist or talking to someone who might understand what you are going through.
If this sounds familiar to you, don’t worry – you are not alone. So many moms, if not MOST moms, struggle with their partner understanding what they are going through. Carrying the load of being a mother is heavy.
How can I feel less resentful to my partner?
Communication is key. It’s not easy, but it’s so important. Talking to your partner about how you are feeling, and not when you’re angry. Have a calm, honest discussion about how heavy everything feels. Please take some time to refer to “Find Each Other: 8 Questions to Help Your Loved Ones See, Understand & Support You.” This goes over different ways you can have those difficult conversations with your partner about what you are going through.
Take care of yourself. Don’t forget that you need to be taken care of, too. See if you can set aside some time when your partner is around to do something on your own. Take a long bath, go on a walk, browse the aisles of target with a coffee in hand. Do what recharges you.
Nurture your relationship. I know that right now, in the midst of being a new mom, you’re priority isn’t your partner. But thing is, the relationship you have with them can really affect your entire world. Nurture that relationship – have conversations about things other than the baby, go out to eat with eachother if you can, go on a walk together. Do some small things that provide a way for you two to connect again.
We are here for you. We understand, so if you need someone to talk to, you know you can reach out to us.
Call or text (843) 410-3585
Email contact@ppdsupport.org